Dirty, Rotten Karl Alzner

When a man in a suit walks into a room wielding a Tupperware (or was it Rubbermaid?) container full of baked goods, everyone’s guard is instantly let down. When the lid is popped and cupcakes emerge, the assembly turns into my third grade classroom (hi Ms. Thomas!). In this Cake Love/Georgetown Cupcakes-mad town, there is no surer way to win friends and influence people than with iced, bite-sized cake. So when it was reported that the Washington Capitals’ Karl Alzner was the culprit, of course everyone said “Aaaw! He’s such a nice guy.”

But then, later yesterday afternoon, Mr. Alzner tweeted the following:

Ah ha! Karl Alzner’s true intentions brought to light! This was all just bribery and all it took was CUPCAKES!? I’m sure every politician in America is running out for a box of Betty Crocker right now. Well MISTER ALZNER, we here at Rock the Red Dot Net are on to you. We have Journalistic Integrity! And just for trying to sway our fellow writers, we’re digging up all the dirt!

Read on

-Alzner played his junior hockey in Calgary, as a member of the ‘Hitmen’. Yes, it’s a play on words… hockey players ‘hit’ people. Ha ha. Try explaining why the ‘Hitmen’ moniker is funny to a 5 year old. “You see Little Billy, the term ‘hitmen’ is actually used to describe someone who kills other people for money.” Then you have to watch Grosse Point Blank and talk about it afterwards. Thanks for making my job as a parent that much more difficult, Karl.

-Alzner is keen on growing out his beard during the playoffs. It’s a rather full beard that has gotten attention in hockey circles. But it’s just TOO thick. What are you hiding Karl? WHAT ARE YOU HIDING!!!?? (flips up light, kicks over table)

-Alzner is an excellent shot blocker. The Union of Professional Goaltenders will be filing a grievance against Mr. Alzner, as he is a non-Union blocker of shots. Those poor goalies need to work!

-Alzner is also good at poke-checking. Even my two year old knows it’s not polite to poke! So cut it out, Pokey McPokerson!

-Karl is frequently paired with defensive partner John ‘Captain America’ Carlson. Alzner, as we know, hails from Calgary, Alberta which is NOT in America. SPY! Carlson should be very careful what he talks about around Mr. Alzner. Loose Lips Sink Ships, Johnny.

-Alzner is known to purposely shoot the puck slightly wide of the net. Hockey experts think he’s simply getting the puck in deep. In actuality, he’s checking for soft spots in the boards to start digging a tunnel into the National Archives and steal the Declaration of Independence Molson Storage Area of the Canadian Embassy…

-For almost the entire 2009-2010 season, Alzner was forced to make the trip from Hershey 4 times a week several times. These ‘call-ups’ were really poorly-disguised trips to smuggle Hershey’s bars across state lines directly to Bruce Boudreau’s office! Shame! He’s on a diet, Karl!