Editor’s Note: This is a parody column that will run on a weekly or bi-weekly basis. In it, WE will answer reader’s questions as “Don Harry,” a one Mr. Cherry’s more redheaded (and sane) alter-ego. Enjoy!
“Dear Don Harry: If I was sending cupcakes to Brendan Shanahan, what flavor laxative do you think he would most enjoy? – Mandy from Calgary”
HEEEEY THEYRE MANDY! HOW YA DOIN. FIRST OFF I JUST WANT TO SAY TO ALL YA AMERICANS OUT THERE THAT THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YA BECOME ENGAGED TO A GOOD CANADIAN GIRL. CUPCAKES!! ANYHOOSER NOW TO YER QUESTION. I’VE NEVER HEARD OF LAXATIVE BEFORE BUT I THINK YA MAY BE TALKIN ABOUT LAX? AS IN, LACROSEE OR WHAT EVER ITS CALLED, WHICH IS THE NATIONAL SPORT OF CANADA? SERIOUSLY, HOW CAN LACROSEE BE THE NATIONAL SPORT OF CANADA? WE ONLY CARE ABOUT HOCKEY. THIS IS ALL ABOUT TARANNA! WHO’S TARANNA’S LACROSEE TEAM? THAT’S RIGHT! IT’S A CRIME, I’M TELLIN YA, A CRIMEEEE!!!! (RIPS OFF TIE)
“Dear Don Harry, I’m really looking to settle down with a nice guy. Now that Jeff Carter and Mike Richards are in my city, I was thinking that would be my best bet. I hear they like the ladies. Do you know where I can find them hanging out? Also how do you suggest I approach them? What should I wear? – Hopeful in Hollywood”
WELL YKNOW HOPEFUL THIS IS A TOUGHIE. LAST I HEARD CARTER AND RICHARDS WAR ON THIS FUNNY PLACE CALLED DRY ISLAND. I HEARD THEY WERE THERE LAST SUMMER BUT SINCE THEN NO ONE HAS HEARD FROM THEM ON THE ICE SO I GUESS THEY’RE STILL THERE. SO IN THAT CASE I WOULD THINK THAT YA GOTTA WEAR SOME SORTA SWINSOOT TO GET THERE CAUSE YA GOTTA SWIM OR TAKE A BOAT. ANYWA-WHAT!?! I’M LOOKIN AT THE WIKIPEDIER PAGE HERE AND ITS TELLING ME THAT BOTH OF THESE FELLERS ARE FROM ONTARIO? HOW ARE THEY NOT ON TARANNA! SHOULDA BEEN LEAFS! (BANGS DESK) HOW DOES THIS BURKE GUY STILL HAVE A JOB? AMERICAN, THAT’S HOW! (POINTS FINGER)
“Dear Don Harry, if you were Alex Ovechkin, would you be friends with Chad Ochocinco? – Joe in Boston”
AHHHH JOE YAR FRAM BASTAN. I PLAYED FER THE BRUINS ONCE. LITERALLY, I PLAYED FER THEM ONCE. COACHED THERE, TOO, ALMOST WON THE STANLEY CUP! ANYWAYS ABOUT YER QUESTION – WHO IS CHAD OCHOCIKER? I ONLY KNOW ONE ATHALETE WITH AN OCHO IN HIS NUMBER AND THAT’S SIDNEE CROSBEE! NUMBER OCHO-SEVEN, HE’S THE BEST THERE IS! SCORED THE GOLD MEDAL WINNING GOAL, WON THE STANLEY CUP, CAPTAIN OF THE PENGUINS! AND HE’S PLAYIN AGAIN, HAD FIVE POINTS IN HIS FIRST TWO GAMES BACK AND THA PENGUINS KEEP ON WINNING! (THUMBS UP)
“Dear Don Harry, why am I so hated in Canada? I win a lot of draws for the Leafs – especially on the penalty kill. I always thought that was important. – Dave S in Toronto”
HEY THERE DAVE DO YA PLAY ON THE MARLIES? I KNOW OF A DAVE S WHO PLAYS FOR THE TARANNA MAPLE LEAFS BUT HE WAS THE GUY WHO RAN OVER SIDNEE CROSBEE WITH THAT ELBER IN THE WINTER CLASSIC! AS FAR AS I KNOW SID HAS ONLY PLAYED NINE GAMES SINCE AND THAT STECKEL GUY IS TERRIBLE! YOU KNOW WHY? HE PLAYED AT OHIER STATE. SO MANY PROBLEMS WITH OHIER STATE. THEY HAD THAT CHEATER FOOTBALL COACH WHO LIKED SWEATER VESTS. SWEATER VESTS, HA! AND NOW THEY GO THAT BLUE JACKET TEAM DOWN THE ROAD THAT STILL HAS SCOTTY HOWSON AS THEIR GM. STECKEL SHOULDA PLAYED JUNIOR FOR DALE HUNTER IN LONDON INSTEAD OF THAT SILLY CAWLEDGE STUFF! THAT HUNTER IS A GREAT COACH! THE CAPITALS ARE GOOD, AGAIN, RIGHT? RIGHT?!?!