Throwing My Hat Into the Coaching Ring

It seems that with every Caps loss, more and more Caps fans ask the question “Do they need to get rid of Boudreau? Has he taught these players all he knows and now they need a change? It worked for underachieving Pittsburgh two seasons ago.” Well, I’m sorry to say Bruce fans, but that answer is yes. But fear not! I have the right replacement picked out to help this team reach it’s ultimate goal of scoring 4 goals in a game again The Stanley Cup.

Me.

I know, it’s obvious right!?  Charisma. Look good in a red track suit. The ability to make the tough decisions. Coming up with catchy swear-phrases. The ability to arm-chair coach while drinking hoppy IPAs. I’d be perfect.

Ok. Some of you may think my lack of experience would hinder my ability to coach a team of the caliber of the Washington Capitals. With that in mind, I offer you my resume to prove I have what it takes to make DC a laughingstock Champion.

 

More, after I get out my whiteboard.

 

Kevin Bryant                                                                                                                              jumpingtheglass@gmail.com
HEAD PROFESSIONAL ICE HOCKEY COACH


 DESIRED POSITION
 NHL Head Coach; Washington Capitals if available 

 WORK EXPERIENCE
 Rock the Red.net
 Blogger                                                                                                                                                        October 2010-present

  • Provides snarky commentary on all aspects of professional ice hockey, with emphasis on the Washington Capitals
  • Analyzes on-ice performance of professional ice hockey players
  • Occasionally writes posts that sound educated
  • Uses Photoshop to create humorous images, such as placing mustaches on random professional ice hockey players
  • Work as a team to think up names for new home-brewed adult alcoholic beverages develop blog post ideas

 Jumping the Glass
 Blogger                                                                                                                                               August 2009-October 2010

  • Write posts that sound as if they were written by an educated three-toed sloth
  • Use Microsoft Excel to develop spreadsheets of data that proves absolutely nothing useful
  • Use NHL.com’s video channel to waste time at work analyze trends in player goal production

 Wells Ice Rink
 Ice Hockey Instructor                                                                                                                           November 1995-Present

  • Teach ice hockey skills to entry-level adult and youth players
  • Bore participants with lengthy explanations of simple drills
  • Clearly ready to coach an NHL team

 EDUCATION

  • Bachelor of Science degree in Mechanical Engineering , University of Maryland, College Park, MD
  • Seriously… I went to college. Why does no one believe me?

 RELEVANT SKILLS

  • Expertise in swearing like a Washington Capitals head coach sailor
  • Ability to develop a system that emphasizes team defense without strangling the life out the most gifted goal scorer since Pavel Bure.
  • Willingness to yell at/ bench star Eastern European professional ice hockey players
  • Caring

 RELEVANT TRAINING

  • USA Hockey Level 1-4 Coaching Certification Courses
  • HBO’s 24/7, Episodes 1-4

 REFERENCES

  • None. No one will admit they know me. Thanks mom.
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