Fabricating the ultimate Washington Capital

During his weekly morning spot with 106.7 the FAN, Brooks Laich was asked to rank which of his teammates were best in class in skating and stick skills. McHandsomePants fearlessly answered the Junkies, nominating three or four players for each category. Always willing to jump on an opportunity to take a good idea too seriously, we here at Rock the Red took it a step further and isolated the Capital that most embodied some of hockey’s most-needed abilities in a plan to join them together to form a giant super robot, with which to defend the galaxy from evil. [Ed. note - that was actually Voltron]. Only rule is, aside from el Capitano, each Cap can only be used once! And away we go!


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Hands- Nicklas Backstrom

Lars is a playmakers’ play maker, averging .73 assists/game, capable of dissecting an opposing defense faster than Rebecca Black became irrelevant.

Shot- Alexander Semin

In case Semin’s 177 career goals aren’t enough evidence, take Olie Kolzig’s word for it when he said at the goalie panel at Caps Con that Semin’s shot was the scariest he’s ever encountered.

Skating- Marcus Johansson

MoJo’s skating is so smooth it makes Jason Chimera’s head weep out of jealousy.

Grit- Matt Hendricks

Never afraid to get dirty, Hendricks led the team in PIM’s last year. Fighting, in-the-crease goal scoring, trash talking [naughty word alert] – you name it, Hendy’s your man.

Speed- Jason Chimera

From full stop to top speed faster than a Bugatti Veyron Super Sport.

Brain- Alex Ovechkin

Covered by two Canadiens? No problem. Tripped up while heading to the net? No problem. Goaltender blocking low and only have one hand free? No problem. There isn’t an obstacle Ovi can’t creatively work his way through.

Size- Jeff Schultz

Logging in at 6’6″, Schultzie is the tallest member of the Caps roster and is tied for second at 230 pounds. As the one and only Craig Laughlin describes Schultz – he’s one big rig.



Heart- Joel Ward

Undrafted. Played through his four years of eligibility in the OHL without being picked up. Attended the Red Wings’ training camp on a try-out offer. Played four years of college hockey. Second go-round at training camp. Spent two years in the AHL. Became a rookie at 28, and signed a four-year contract with the Caps in 2011. If that doesn’t say “never give up,” I don’t know what does.

Toughness- Mike Knuble

You want tough? How about playing in 84% of your teams’ games every season but one since the lock out.

Versataility- Brooks Laich

Last season, McHandsomePants played in all 91 of the Caps’ games, posting a +14 rating. He led all Caps players in SH TOI (221:58), and was fourth on the team with PP TOI (245:39). Laich also won 52.1% of his 634 face offs, including 55.5% in the playoffs.

Celebration- Alex Ovechkin

Often imitated, but never duplicated “jumping the glass” can been seen in every NHL promo this side of Pluto.

Beard- Karl Alzner

The really are no other contenders, so kindly move along.

Choice of mode of transportation- Mike Green

Exhibit A. Exhibit B. If you need more than that to convince you, you’re out of luck.


[Ed. side note - since our Photo Shop skills are lacking, a free shirt to whomever submits the best picture of the described franken-cap!]