The Great Zamboni Ponders: Facial Hair

Sometimes there is an enigma so deep that it overwhelms even the most knowledgeable Capitals hockey fan. And for these questions, we turn to the Great Zamboni – the power that has more answers than Google, and is more reliable than Dave Steckel in the face off circle (if that’s even possible). Even Chuck Norris consults the Great Zamboni from time to time, but he won’t admit it to anyone.

Today’s question for the Great Zamboni comes from Rock The Red reader KZell who ponders: “Why does Alex Ovechkin score more goals when he’s a straggly mess as opposed to being clean-cut and shaven?”


You want to know, don’t you? So make the jump!

<The Great Zamboni whirrs to life> The Great Eight’s powers, while a mystery to some, is rather easy to explain: Alex Ovechkin and his beard is akin to Samson and his long flowing locks from which he drew his strength. When Samson’s hair was removed in his sleep, his powers were neutralized and he was rendered weak and inadequate. The truth is that Sidney Crosby is shaving Ovechkin in his sleep in attempts to secure his position as the league’s leading goal scorer and point producer.

While this is the most logical answer (and lends more truth to the playoff beard), some conspiracy theory proponents suggest another answer. Sometime during Ovechkin’s youth, he was involved in an experiment of Peter Parker-ian proportions in which his facial hairs  were altered to act similar to an insect’s antennae, giving him almost a seventh sense. When these sensory appendages are removed, which he does to keep his abilities a secret, his Ovi-sense diminishes greatly. </Whirring>

There you have it! Be sure to tune in next week to find out what other knowledge GZ drops on us. Again, if you have any questions or concerns you’d like to put before the Great Zamboni, email us… and if we use your question, we’ll mail you a sticker for free!