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Debunking every reason to NOT grow a playoff beard

After we announced the Quest for the Golden Razor contest yesterday, a lot of questions, grumblings, and whining was over heard by the RTR crew. Your team needs you. This post is the end-all to any little bit of doubt left, so in the name of sport “Just Do It

Yes, we’re that serious about playoff beards. Make the jump to learn more.

I can’t grow a beard.
I hear this little cop out so much I want to barf. If you have to shave every day, chances are that you can grow a beard. Given two months, even the crappiest of beards start to fill in. You just have to nurture that thing and work with what you got.

My job doesn’t allow beards.
If it’s not in the handbook as an officially written rule, and you get grief for this, have your boss call me so I can give him a talking to like the whiner that he is. Then proceed as normal. If it is in the handbook, then that’s a pretty messed up place to work. You might be able to win a lawsuit if they terminate you. Then, you’ll have corporate sponsorship and can grow all the beard you want while you sit home spending those free paychecks on ebay.

When I grow a beard, it looks like crap.
You know your favorite shirt that you keep inexplicably finding in or near the trash? That makes you look like crap, too. But you wear it, don’t you? Do you know why? Because in some instances feeling good should supersede looking good. Do you think all those dance moves that look good on MTV are fun? Hell no. They’re hard. The fun dances can’t be done when anyone else is around because they usually involve flailing and looking like crap. Look at the robot. Now that is fun. Unless it’s 1982, and you’re not trying to save a youth center, you can’t do it on a public dance floor without looking like an weirdo. It’s sad, but in this world, what looks good and what feels good rarely coincide. When are you going to stop worrying about how you look and start worrying about how you feel?

Beards itch.
You’re on your way to getting a kick to the teeth. Two weeks of itchy is what you pay to revel in the glory that is the Golden Razor. Deal with it.

My GF/BF/Wife/SO doesn’t like facial hair.
Do they pick out what shirt your going to wear? Do they tell you what to say? Unless they are billionaires and threaten to rebuke your allowance, grow it. A beard is one thing, that even though it might look crappy, is appreciably manly. It’s inexplicable, and may be macho, but growing a beard makes you want to hammer things and wear flannel. You may not have any more reason than that beard to feel like a man, but it will make you feel like a man. And you deserve that throughout the playoffs, Nancy.

In general, chicks don’t like beards.
I used to think that, too. Then you meet a couple who like them. Those chicks like flannel shirts, work boots, beards, and men. Not clean, freshly-pressed window dressings with fashion sense. These women like men. Burly, manly men. I’m not going to guarantee that a beard will transform you, but it will certainly help you fake it. Eastwood and Bronson had heavy stubble all the time. And how can we forget the beard sporting, ass-kicking Mr. Chuck Norris? G.I. Joe? Sean Friggin’ Connery? Yea, chicks have never thrown themselves their way.

Beards make you look old.
I agree. People misjudge my age by 10 years when I grow one. What they also seem to do is assume that I know what I’m talking about or that I’m qualified to give them advice. In these situations, I find that pensively tugging on your beard and waiting for them to answer their own questions works best. You’ll look like a genius.

Beards are not hygienic.
Maybe Captain Caveman could McGuyver some stuff out of his beard, but even with three months growth, you won’t be able to. The best you might be able to do is hide some pencils or a cupcake in there for a joke. In any case, Captain Caveman’s hygiene issues were reported to have more to do with his lack of showering regularly than his abundance of hair. As long as you shower regularly, you should be OK.

A beard would just look dumb with my hairstyle.
You said hairstyle. Minus 2 man points. There are beards for every haircut. You could sport the ex-con bald ‘n’ beard, the hip hop hair with the thin little beard, the rustic New Hampshire weekend civil war re-enactment mega beard, the ZZ Top super beard, and even the Mr. T. Mohawk connected to the beard. Beards fit. And I thought I already explained this: It’s all about feeling good.

I’m a girl! How can I join in?
LADIES, PLEASE DO NOT GROW A BEARD EVEN IF POSSIBLE! RockTheRed.net is sensitive to the inclusion of women in their activities even though they are follically challenged. Women can contribute to beard growing in other ways such as refraining from any form of beard abuse during the playoffs. No crossing days of the calendar, no dirty looks, no calling your man “weird beard,” or asking any question relating to the shaving of said beard. Winking, flirting, and general “Can you hammer something for me, Brawny?” comments are encouraged and really speed the month along. Do your part.

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